10 ludicrous standing desk accessories you have to see to believe | usagoldmines.com

Bottle opener

Jon Martindale / Foundry

I might look forward to cracking open a cold one at the end of a workday, but I’m not sure I need a bottle opener built into my desk or added on as an accessory. I already have a novelty keyring that can pop open bottle caps, plus I have an actual one lying in a drawer somewhere. Worst case? I can always pry the top off with a spoon.

OK, sure, having a bottle opener built into the desk right there is marginally useful, but who’s opening so many bottles at their desk that something like this is really needed? Why not just tuck a standard bottle opener in a drawer and call it a day? This is just plain unnecessary.

Punching bag

Jon Martindale / Foundry

I get frustrated at work sometimes. We all do, I think. But enough to lash out with a need to punch something? Probably not. Yeah, it’s funny the first few times you do it, but that novelty fades fast.

Honestly, this thing is more of a speed bag than a heavy bag—and it has a nice whip-back action—but I’m not exactly practicing head movement at my desk. And no matter how much I tighten it, I can’t help but wince as my monitors wobble around every time I strike it.

It’s a fun idea and a novel conversation starter for anyone who happens to visit my office, but I think if you want a stress relief tool that you can safely use at your desk, I’d recommend these desk fidget toys.

Leather desk pad

@emiebel / Ergonofis

A leather desk pad isn’t so much ridiculous as it is unnecessary. This thing harkens back to a day where leather surfaces were a premium, but these days I’d rather just have a neoprene mat that’s as comfortable, way cheaper, more washable, and less prone to damage.

While I love the look of the leather desk pad that Ergonofis sent me, it blocks the view of my lovely butcher block desk underneath and leaves me paranoid about using it with care. (It’s so expensive, I worry too much about scuffing it or worse.) This might be great for someone with deep pockets, but for over $200? It’s not for me.

All the different keypads

Uplift

All electric standing desks come with some form of keypad for raising and lowering the desktop, but did you know there are all kinds of keypad upgrades on the market? Yeah, it’s kind of crazy.

There are flappy keypads that can adjust the desk height just by slapping at them, and light-up RGB keypads for gamers, and advanced keypads that store 5+ different preset heights… and I’m here to tell you that they’re all ridiculous. No, you don’t need them. Really.

Jon Martindale / Foundry

Trust me, I’ve been using a standing desk for 10+ years and you only need two height settings: the one for when you’re standing and the one for when you’re sitting. That’s it!

If you’re sharing your desk with someone else, okay, that might warrant a third setting. And if you really love RGB bling, then maybe a gamer-style keypad would be good for you. But for everyone else, paying more just to change what moves your desk up and down is unnecessary.

Under-desk hammock

Jon Martindale / Foundry

This is the one that always used to catch my eye when I’d scan the standing desk accessory pages of Uplift and other companies. I’ve seen a few people use it at major LAN parties before, but it never looked very comfortable. Plus, the idea of people just walking past where I’m sleeping meant I never thought to give it a try.

As you can see from the image above, I recently took the plunge and… I’m not impressed. My back hated me 10 minutes after I got in it, and sleeping in it for any extended period of time seems impossible. If I were feeling skeptical, I’d say this was a gimmick product to draw attention to standing desks. It has certainly always grabbed my eyes.

Digging a little deeper, the under-desk hammock feels like an embrace of crunch culture. I could imagine it being used as an upsell during an employment interview. “Everyone gets their own standing desk and it even has a hammock underneath!” Sleep at my desk, huh? Not going to happen, especially when I have a bed just down the hall.

Dog beds

Jon Martindale / Foundry

If I’m not going to sleep at my desk, I don’t see why my pup needs to either. Uplift sells a very small dog bed—as you can see above, my svelte 20-pound French Bulldog mix is basically spilling out of it—that’s designed to fit in the desktop PC “CPU holder” extension that lifts your system up and down with the desk. It’s handy for preventing stretched cables and keeping the PC up off dusty floors. But for a dog? Come on.

Uplift

Firstly, small dogs shouldn’t be lifted off the floor to a height they’ll struggle to safely get down from. Secondly, they don’t need any help with their Napoleon complexes. Keep those little guys down where they belong: on the floor in a bed that’s appropriately sized.

Cup holders

Jon Martindale / Foundry

I’m a clumsy guy, so I get not wanting to spill your drink on paperwork, electronics, fancy board games, or whatever else you might have on your desk. I really do. In fact, I have cup holders on my board gaming table for this exact reason.

But a standing desk is a desk—and honestly, standing or not, a coaster is more than enough. If you’re particularly prone to knocking over drinks and don’t trust yourself, that’s fair enough… but $20 or even $30 just to hold a drink that you can easily place on the desk? I don’t think so.

Headphone stand

Jon Martindale / Foundry

Headphones can be big, bulky, and take up a lot of valuable desktop space. I’m not entirely against the idea of reclaiming desk space with a good headphone mount. But some of the standing desk headphone stands on the market are plain ridiculous.

Look at this Uplift one. It’s certainly classy and it provides a unique aesthetic when the wood is paired to the desk, but just look at the size of that thing. It takes up as much room as my SteelSeries Arctis Pro Wireless headset, so what good is it doing? And if you order it with the wood block, you’ll be billed closer to $50. Eesh…

A simple hook on the underside of the desk can do the same job with a smaller physical footprint at a fraction of the price.

Under-desk exercise bike

Flexispot

If you’ve seen my article on why I’m a standing desk convert, you’ll know I’m a big fan of moving around while standing. I use an under-desk walking treadmill, I rock back and forth on a balance board, and I’ve even tried cycling at my desk. (See my experience with under-desk treadmills!)

I had a Flexispot desk bike for a few months and it did help me burn some serious calories as I sweated away while typing or gaming. But my problem with it? Desk bikes just aren’t sustainable. The bike seat isn’t designed for long-term use and it quickly adds… let’s say “too much pressure” to what you’re sitting on. It simply isn’t comfortable, and in my case it was overall deleterious to my health.

Desk bikes are massive, unwieldy, and not really compatible with home office or work environments. They’re worse than simple treadmills. Your mileage may vary here, but I’m squaring these away as ridiculous.

Bluetooth controller

Ergodesks

I’m all for convenience, but if I’m going to work at a standing desk, I really don’t mind waiting the five or so seconds it takes for the desk to reach my desired height. Most of the time, I don’t even have to touch it because it’s where I left it the day before. So paying over $100 for the ability to set the desk height “remotely” is peak ridiculous.

Admittedly, I haven’t actually used one of these Bluetooth standing desk controllers—but going off my past experience with a million other Bluetooth accessories, I’m willing to bet it takes longer to whip out your phone and open the appropriate app than it does to just press the dang physical button that’s already there on the desk itself.

Home automation nerds might have fun with the novelty of an auto-adjusting desk height when you walk into the room (or something like that), but that’s a whole other level of unnecessary ridiculousness. It’s not for me and not what I’d recommend for anyone else.

If you’re interested to know what I would recommend, check out my article on standing desk accessories that are worth the money.