The NFL and Disney have a lot in common. They’re both ubiquitous American institutions with a century of history and generations of fans, each is seemingly more popular than ever, and they also are overflowing with mascots they put on all sorts of merchandise. So it makes sense they decided to team-up with Fanatics for a pop culture crossover so they can sell you stuff. The two iconic brands let fans pick Disney characters to represent their favorite teams.
As a fan of both the NFL and Disney, I have some thoughts. Specifically, I have some thoughts as a fan of the New England Patriots. Does that make my analysis on these mascot choices biased? My editors and everyone else would say “yes,” but no. As you’ll see, six Super Bowl titles means I am best equipped to judge other teams with fairness and solemnity. [Editor’s Note: This was a huge mistake.]
NFC EAST
Dallas Cowboys – Woody
You might think the Cowboys picked the rootinest, tootinest Disney-Pixar character because of his job as an Old West Sheriff, but no. That’s a coincidence. It’s actually because, as always, the organization wants you to associate them with something that was really popular and successful in the ’90s.
New York Giants – Wreck-It Ralph
As a Patriots fan, it’s hard for me to trash talk the Giants, so I won’t be pointing out how fitting it is they picked a mascot who looks like he hasn’t bathed in a year, probably can’t read at a fifth grade level, and definitely doesn’t want anyone to know what he’s been doing on the internet. I’m not going to say any of that.
Philadelphia Eagles – Doctor Doom
Eagles fans chose a green-and-silver clad villain every other character hates and always wants to crush, a big overly-sensitive baby with a ridiculous chip on his shoulder determined to prove he’s the best at everything while always knowing in his heart he never can be. Nailed it.
Washington Commanders – Hamm
In the ’80s, the Washington professional football team called its stellar offensive line “the hogs.” So four decades later it chose a pig named Hamm. You get it? Do you get it? You get it. Cause it’s boring, like Washington’s team history since all the hogs retired. Anyway, the Commanders have won four playoff games since 1996, which is even sadder when you remember Toy Story has had as many sequels since then.
NFC NORTH
Chicago Bears – Baloo
You know what? I like the Bears. I like their fans, too. So I don’t have anything bad to say about them. I just think it’s strange they picked The Jungle Book‘s Baloo as their Disney mascot since he’s from India. If I rooted for the Chicago Bears, I would not want to be represented by a mascot that makes me think of India-na. Don’t worry, though, if your owner does move the Bears out of Illinois, I’m sure it’ll be fine and you won’t want to be eaten by a literal a bear every time you cross state lines to see your favorite team, Daaaaa Hammond Indiana Bears.
Detroit Lions – Simba
Awful pick. Makes no sense at all. Sure, Simba was a non-factor in the Pride Lands for almost as long as the Detroit Lions were a total non-factor in the NFL, but Mufasa’s son eventually earned his title and crown. The Lions can’t even make a Super Bowl.
Green Bay Packers – Chewbacca
“Loyal to the cause in the cold, snow, sleet, and rain. Whether it’s Hoth or Lambeau, Chewbacca stays until the job is done.” —official description for the Packers mascot
Quick followup: What the hell are you even talking about? This is less intelligible than Shyriiwook. If the Packers wanted to go Star Wars they should have picked Palpatine. He pretended he was a good guy before revealing himself to be pure evil, just like Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers.
Minnesota Vikings – Thor
The rare “obvious” pick in this draft that is honestly great, but not because Thor is a Viking. Unlike the Lions, the Vikings have made the Super Bowl. Four times! And they lost all four of them, so it’s perfect they’re represented by the fourth most important Avenger who also blew the big game against Thanos.
NFC SOUTH
Atlanta Falcons – Millennium Falcon
There is nothing I could say* that would be funnier than the Atlanta Falcons picking the Millennium Falcon because “it has built a passionate and cross-generational following that sticks with it through every twist, turn, and unexpected journey.” Amazing work as always from this organization. This pick makes infinitely more sense when you remember that everyone who sees the Millennium Falcon immediately think it’s trash.
Carolina Panthers – Bagheera
Look, anytime you can pick the fourth most important character from The Jungle Book just because he’s a panther, you gotta do it. Or at least you have to when your organization passed on both C.J. Stroud and Will Anderson Jr. so it could take Bryce Young.
New Orleans Saints – Louis
Yup, this one fits. The jazz-loving alligator from the Bayou was a big part of the wonderful 2009 Disney animated film The Princess and the Frog and the 2009 New Orleans Saints won the Super Bowl. And, ever since then, the Saints have honored the trumpet-playing Louis by blowing playoff games.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Captain Hook
The Buccaneers picked a pirate and then tried to justify their shocking lack of creativity by saying Captain Hook is “expressive and unmistakable.” Considering their current starting quarterback Baker Mayfield finds something new to complain about every month they should have drafted Chicken Little.
NFC WEST
Arizona Cardinals – Jafar and Iago
This makes complete sense. One loser isn’t enough to represent the Arizona Cardinals.
Los Angeles Rams – Sulley
The Rams, who have no fans, went against expectation and drafted a character everyone loves. Classic Sean McVay zag! I also assume that, like McVay, this means Sulley doesn’t know how to preserve his timeouts.
San Francisco 49ers – Stinky Pete the Prospector
This is the worst 49ers pick since Trey Lance. But hey, at least they didn’t have to trade a bunch of future first round picks for the rights to draft Stinky Pete.
Seattle Seahawks – Finding Nemo “Mine, Mine, Mine” Seagulls
The Seahawks just whopped my Patriots in the Super Bowl. It was a fraction as traumatizing as the Malcom Butler Game, but still, you know, it stung. This absurd Seahawks/Seagulls pick is the first time I don’t feel so badly about the loss.
Okay let’s take a quick video break before moving to the AFC.
AFC NORTH
Baltimore Ravens – Diaval and Maleficent
Malificent is a thin-skinned narcissist famous for overreacting to a minor transgression who then lost despite being a heavy favorite with home field advantage. Fantastic pick. She truly represents both the Ravens and their fans.
Cincinnati Bengals – Shere Khan
A bengal for the Bengals? Oh wooooooooow. This pick is about as inspiring as the entire existence of Cincinnati’s football team. If they put Shere Khan in a walking boot he can also serve as Joe Burrow’s personal mascot.
Cleveland Browns – Pluto
Cleveland went with a dog to represent its “Dawg Pound,” but there’s no way Browns fans think this pick represents them or their team. Pluto is full of joy. What makes this even worse is that there was a perfect Disney mascot available, Billy Butcherson from Hocus Pocus. He was killed by the very thing he loved, spent years rotting from the inside out, and wanted nothing more than to crawl into a literal grave so he could finally get some peace.
Pittsburgh – Pete
The Steelers went with Goofy’s loud-mouthed, obnoxious frenemy, the big, dumb, wholly unlikable Pete. Wow. I’m genuinely impressed you yinzers are even capable of introspection.
AFC SOUTH
Houston Texans – Jessie
Gotta think the Texans targeted Jessie because she’s the second most important cowpoke in Toy Story and always will be, just as Houston will always be the second most important NFL team in Texas. When expansion comes to either San Antonio or Austin, they’ll instantly get the rights to Jessie.
Indianapolis Colts – Horace Horsecollar
Jacksonville Jaguars – Pepita
Unlike other obvious mascot picks, I am a big fan of the Jaguar’s going with Coco‘s jaguar. Big fan. Jacksonville wasn’t going to do better than a mascot who is a harmless little cat in the real world where NFL games are played.
Tennessee Titans – Thanos
The NFL’s most boring team went with a Titan most famous for losing. No complaints.
AFC WEST
Denver Broncos – Maximus
Solid. Tangled‘s Maximus is a horse who also looks like John Elway. [Editor’s Note: This is the best you got? Denver remains un-roastable.]
Kansas City Chiefs – Big Bad Wolf
I was going to make fun of this lame pick, but Patrick Mahomes complained to my editors until they made me change it.
Las Vegas Raiders – Darth Vader
“An iconic villain in black who also had a brief reign at the top before suffering a total organizational collapse and whose son then failed trying to rebuild an institution.” Since that is true of both Al Davis and Darth Vader, this is one of the best picks of the draft.
Los Angeles Chargers – Hercules and Pegasus
This is actually pretty inspired. I can’t believe I am saying this, but Chargers fans should actually feel good about what their te…oh no. Hercules just missed a Megara-winning field goal. She died in Hades. The Chargers Stink killed Meg.
AFC EAST
Buffalo Bills – Beast
Yeah, absolutely. To win in the end, Beast needed both someone else to screw up and literal magic, which is what it will take for the Bills to ever claim a championship. Also, Drake Maye made a Super Bowl before Josh Allen. That has nothing to do with Disney, I just wanted to mention it.
Miami Dolphins – King Triton
Oh, yeah, yeah, this is fun because it’s ironic, like when you call a big guy “Tiny.” But if Dolphins fans are looking for something more sincere they should adopt Ursula’s poor unfortunate souls as their own symbol. Also, Drake Maye has already made as many Super Bowls as Dan Marino did in his entire career. That has nothing to do with Disney, I just wanted to mention it.
New York Jets – Buzz Lightyear
Real good. Buzz Lightyear thought he was a real Space Ranger until he realized he’s a joke. Every Jets fan eventually experiences something similar when they realize they don’t root for a real NFL team. Also, Drake Maye won as many playoff games last year as the Jets won in the regular season. That has nothing to do with Disney, I just wanted to mention it.
New England Patriots – Captain America
Captain America is a symbol of all that is good, yet enemies constantly try to besmirch his integrity with outrageous lies and accusations. Despite it all, though, he perseveres. He endures. Even when you think you’ve defeated him he gets back up. And that’s why the New England Patriots made the best Disney mascot pick.
And like all of these, that is a totally unbiased opinion, kid.
*Well, nothing besides “28-3.”
The post A New England Patriots Fan’s Biased Review of Every NFL Team’s Disney Mascot appeared first on Nerdist.
This articles is written by : Nermeen Nabil Khear Abdelmalak
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